Monthly Archives: September 2011

Baby Talk


Last week, we had a visit from a baby the exact same age as Baby MoFo. We’ll call him Little Tree.

As we sat down to a throw-together meal, Little Tree surveyed the food in front of him. “I don’t want pasta,” he declared. “I want edamame!”

Baby MoFo concurred: “Tha–!! Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” He pointed for emphasis.

Baby MoFo’s vocabulary is not what you might call extensive. In fact, he’s got about 10 words to call his own. Offhand, I can only think of 9, but I am probably missing one or two. Luckily, some words mean more than one thing. All are essential.

1. That (command, usually accompanied by a pointed finger): Give me that thing!

2. Dada (person, question, thing, feeling, interjection): Dad. Dad’s dad. Someone wearing a baseball cap. A guy. Where are you? Where have you gone? Big silver car. I’m so happy! Come back! I love you! Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!

The Scientist was not at the beach, or anywhere near it.

3. Mama (person, exclamation, lament, sign of exhaustion, word to be repeated in boredom many, many, many times): Mom. I’m pissed! I want something RIGHT NOW! I’m tired! I’m cranky! I’m tired and loopy!

This truly could be Baby MoFo

4. Bubby (person, random interjection, conversation starter): Grandmother. I need something to say! What’s up?

5. Ball (thing): Ball. Satellite dish, seen only from our bed, and only of interest between 3 and 4 in the morning, when Baby MoFo yells bloody hell to be taken out of his crib, climbs on top of The Scientist, points at the dish, and says “Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball”–a few hundred times, damned proud of himself for discovering it (again and again each night).

6. M’ (statement, thing, open-ended): more, milk, anything that begins with “m” that allows us to cheer him on for supposedly increasing his vocabulary.

7. Hi (something to say while holding a piece of Lego to the ear, but never on the actual phone to the great dismay of both grandmothers): hi

8. Bye (statement): Get me the fuck out of here right now.

9. I (a thing): iPad (only the essentials . . . )